


I Love It

by Fleurtygirl



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack and Angst, F/M, Gold Sickness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 09:14:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5042560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fleurtygirl/pseuds/Fleurtygirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a crack fic reaction when Bella is so hurt and mad she thinks- bring it bitch, I'll wreck shop.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Love It

Bella Baggins wished that she could say that her response to Thorin's madness was something much more mature. Instead, this is what happened when Bella’s lover attempted to kill her. 

"Bella, I'm so sorry. We need to take you back to camp and have the elves look at you." Gandalf said as he tried to herd her away. 

"I hope it bruises. I hope it scars, so that every time I look at it, I remember his douchebaggery. I don't know where I'm going to find another dragon, but I am going to kill that dwarf and burn everything he loves." Her fist clasped over Sting's hilt, wishing he were here so she could skewer the bastard. 

"What? My dear, are you alright?" He gasped, scandalized by what she said. 

"Oh, I'm fine. I'm more than fine. I'm great. It's probably better that psycho went all crazy and tried to kill me." Bella spat out. Trying to keep from screaming. 

"Bella my dear, I think you need to calm down." Gandalf patronized her like a child. She hated that shit, big people have such fucking superiority complexes. Ohh, you're smaller than me, that must mean I'm smarter than you. Bullshit, she thought, it just means the blood has to move through more parts, apparently making it harder for you to figure shit out.

In a completely sober and even tone, she turned towards him and said, "Gandalf, you really do not want to tell me to calm down right now." 

"I need to go and get Bard and Thranduil together so we can storm the mountain and I can do everything he said I did. I don't care. I will end him." Bella turned from Gandalf and started towards the main tent. 

"Bard, Thranduil, let's go! I think I'm planning on taking over a mountain. There will be gold for everyone. Fuck it, I'll give some to the damn Orcs and Goblins too. Maybe if they had the ability to pay for shit they would stop fucking everything up all the time." Bella shouted towards the other men who were standing on the fringes pretending they weren't listening to the conversation. 

Legolas looked at his father and said in Sindarin, "Is she ordering you around?" He was confused and a little scared. 

"Yes, and it appears I am going to listen. I have a feeling that the line of Durin is in her hands. This is why you have to be careful with women, Legolas. It is not because they are weaker. It is because Mordor hath no fury like a woman scorned." Thranduil told his son in Westron as he walked towards the tent. 

"Legolas, Mithrandir, if you are going to join us, I would caution you not to piss her off." He told them in Sindarin as he lifted the flap and entered the tent. 

The men turned to Bard who looked at Legolas and the wizard. Bard looking solemn, locked eyes and said, "I was married, King Thorin has better odds against another dragon." Then he walked into the tent. 

Legolas looked and felt overwhelmed. The hobbit always seemed like such a sweet respectable lady who only wanted peaceful resolution on all sides. He looked towards Tauriel, she smirked at him. He paled and walked cautiously into the tent. Rethinking his decision to try and court the captain of the guard. She was a good fighter, he couldn't imagine what she would do to him if she was as pissed as the halfling. 

Inside the tent, Bella turned to Bard and Thranduil. "Be honest, what the hell do you want, and why the hell did you involve armies?" 

Before, she had negotiated because she wanted peace. Now, she just needed to see how stupid these fucking greedy ass men were going to behave.

"Because I want to know how many dwarves you're willing to kill and how many of your men and elves you're willing to sacrifice trying to get to the hard shiny stones. Personally, I hope to sacrifice every single one of you fucking idiots. Hopefully, killing every single one of those fucking dwarrows and the dwarrows of the Iron Mountains. That way the gene pool will be safer from assholes who can't use their words or their fucking brains to work out their problems." 

"Miss Bella, what's this about the iron mountain dwarves?" Legolas timidly asked, while raising his hand. 

"First, it's fucking dwarrows. Learn the plural, you are hundreds of years old, it's embarrassing. For you! In case you needed it spelled out. It's embarrassing, for you." She took a deep breath in and let more obvious as fuck explainations to dumdasses out. 

"Second, now that 13 fucking dwarrows followed me across Middle-Earth to reclaim their kingdom of dragon smelling treasure, every fucking lazy cowardly dwarf that couldn't be arsed to come on the adventure wants in on it." And finally the last and most important point that no one else seemed to have grasped. 

"Last, their dumbasses wouldn't have made it here without me, so I say it's my Valor damned treasure and I will kill them all." Obviously elves live so long because they take a long fucking time to figure shit out. 

“So yeah, expect another army of dumbass males who have shit for brains looking forward to making demands for no fucking reason.” She really needed to rethink her life decisions. Wait, this ‘adventure’ wasn’t her idea. It was Gandalf’s idea, ‘go on an adventure’ he said. ‘It’ll be fun,’ he said. ‘It’s a noble cause,’ he said. Basically, male’s lie. They lie and they say the dumbest things and they need a lady to fix everything that goes wrong in their lives. 

While she was sending angry glares at Gandalf, much to his great displeasure, an elf came running into the tent.

“There is another army approaching. It looks like the dwarves from the Iron Mountain.” He shouted in Sindarin, which was really rude considering that it wasn’t a language that was understood by half the people in the tent. 

“Seriously, want to share your panic in Common with the rest of the class,” Bella glared at the new elf that rudely burst into her war room tent. Ignoring the fact that it was King Thranduil’s tent. 

“The dwarrows from the Iron Mountain approach,” Legolas said to her in breathless wonder. He was beginning to think that she was some kind of crazy magic being that is completely outside the normal for any lady. She must be, that is why she was acting that way. No lady had ever insulted him before. Really, before the dwarves… no dwarrows, no one had ever insulted him before. He wasn’t sure why it was happening now and why his father was allowing it. 

“Oh thank the Valar, we can start the war. I was worried that I’d have to wait before you would all start killing each other. Let’s ride out with our army and prove that we are only here to steal shit from Erebor.” Bella hopped off her chair and started to double check herself for armour. 

“Does anyone have any extra armour or daggers? Honestly, with how much more competent I’ve proven to be, training would have been unfair to my enemies.” She said as she eyed up Legolas’s weapons. 

Tauriel walked in with some bracers and several knives. She handed the daggers to Bella who started to fix them on to her belt. 

“I think we can put these two on your upper legs for extra protection, these two on your shins, and cut these down to fit your arms. What do you think?” Tauriel asked Bella as she knelt and started to cut down one set of the bracers to better fit her arms. 

Once Bella was outfitted in her makeshift armour, she was ready to fuck Thorin’s day up some more. 

"Would you like a ride out to the front of the battlefield?" Tauriel offered Bella. And so they rode down to the fields of battle. 

Blah, blah, blah, more male posturing. Listening to Dain talk about loyalty was making her laugh. It was like listening to Orcs talking about feelings. Shit they knew nothing about. Her bullshit tolerance was played out. 

"Dain Ironfoot?! Is that you?" She shouted at him, interrupting the chest beating. 

"Aye, I am Dain Ironfoot Lord of the Iron Hills, cousin to Thorin Oakenshield King Under the Mountain, here to defend his home." Dain shouted back to her, feeling very pompous on his war boar. 

"So, you're the Dain Ironfoot, Lord of the Iron Hills that did nothing several months ago when Thorin Oakenshield King Under the Mountain came to you and asked for aid?" Bella asked him pointedly. 

"That Dain? The one that did not come with us to regain Erebor? Or are you the Dain that did not come when there was a giant fucking dragon under that very same mountain? Now, cousin to Thorin Oakenshield, what are you actually here for? Is it the gold? I bet it's the gold?" Bella asked him with a smirk. 

Because even though Thorin Douchenshield was a complete asshole, and he was, a complete asshole. He went to the other dwarror lords, including his cousin, to ask them to help him regain the mountain. And did they help? No, they didn’t. Did they help pay for the quest? No, they didn’t. Did they provide any sort of provisions, weapons, food, ponies, anything that might have been remotely useful or helpful? No, they didn’t. Did they even ask any of their people if they wanted to join Thorin and possibly get a giant gold hill filled with jewels and other precious dwarf crap? Evidently not, based on the dumbass expressions on their faces.

When Dain continued to stare at Bella, a little overwhelmed by being called out for his douchebaggery. She decided to turn the knife a little more.

“Because let’s face it, if they had any help, or support, they wouldn’t have had to ask a hobbit for help. A lady hobbit, no less. How do your warrior egos feel now? This little lady hobbit went into the mountain and faced Smaug the Equally Stupidly Obsessed with Gold as The Rest of You Dragon BY HERSELF. Thus, earning one fourteenth of the treasure. Do you think I got to enjoy my perilously won treasure? Do you think I could buy myself a pie or a cake or even a biscuit? No, I had to use my portion of the gold to pay off the debts that the King Under the Smelly Mountain decided to renege on. So, all and all, that makes him a pretty dead beat ass sweetheart and a shitty diplomat. But did I get mad at him, no I didn’t, my dumbass thinks we can work it out now that he doesn’t have to go to war with two different armies because he doesn’t want to pay anyone back.

Does he want to work it out? What do you think Dain? How do you think your cousin reacted to his betrothed settling his debts and saving his life for the… what’s that.... 3rd, 4th time? Do you think he was happy with me Dain?” Bella asked him, with three armies staring at her in horror. A little afraid to interrupt, even if it was to start a battle. 

Dain stuttered, “Umm… my lady… I…” He looked towards the dwarrows behind him for help, and his best and bravest warriors, battle hardened and strong would not meet his eyes. No one wanted to bring down the wrath of this tiny female. 

Bella turned and smiled to the ranks of men and elves lined up and facing the dwarrows, mostly hoping they could go home. She looked upon them in a deceptively calm and friendly manner. None of them were buying it, they could tell it was a trap. Well, most of them could. 

“So, anyone want to tell Dain what happened this morning? Anyone want to share this delightful reaction of the dwarf who claimed to love me above all others, who proclaimed me to be his queen, the treasure of his treasures? Please, share, by all means.” She was smiling in an altogether sadistic and manic glee. 

The dwarrows gasped. This was Thorin's betrothed, and he sent her into the mountain with a dragon. What did he do this morning? They were feeling like they did not want to know the answer. Especially since the men and elves did not look like they wanted to say anything. 

"No, Gandalf, how about it? Let's tell Dain what kind of a King his cousin has become." Bella declared with a gesture prompting him to go ahead and tell them. 

"Thorin choked Miss Baggins and held her over the battlements threatening to end her life. I am afraid he has been affected by the curse of his line." Gandalf announced solemnly. He was not happy to announce these events. He had hoped to stem the tides of darkness by having the dwarrows reclaim the mountain. 

"Oh, shit." Dain exhaled to himself. To harm a lady in that manner was often a death sentence. If she did not kill you, her family certainly would. If she had no family, the law would intervene. If Thorin harmed his love, and now that he looked at her carefully, she appeared to have courting braids woven into her hair, he had truly been lost to gold-sickness. His warriors would not want to fight for a dwarf that laid hands upon his betrothed. 

Dain could already hear the muttering of his troops. He had to try and find a way to salvage this situation.

"The company of Thorin -his sister sons... his guard ... they intervened on your behalf?" Dain questioned hopefully. He was hoping that Fili or Kili were still alive in there to be crowned King. His warriors would fight for the line of Durin to rule.

Unfortunately, Bella's reaction was not what he hoped. She was laughing. She threw back her head and burst forth with bitter hysterical laughter. 

"It was Gandalf that was able to save her life." Legolas said somberly. Even though he did not like the dwarves (damnit dwarrows) it didn't feel satisfying to recount the horrible events of the morning. 

"Well, you can take pride in knowing that when he ordered me killed, they wouldn't do it themselves." She sneered at Dain. She grew tired of their talking. She wanted action, she wanted pain and rage and to make him hurt. 

"So let's all battle over who gets to be the next group to get the dragon sickness! Come on, let's fight for the finest jewels that make you crazy. Let's turn against family, love, and honor! I'm ready to die trying to kill as many of you idiots as possible. So what's it going to be? Will we fight by race? Or shall we descend into madness early and declare every person for themselves? Last person standing gets to go crazy in the mountain?" Bella shouted and pulled out her sword and dagger. 

She raised them up and spun around, looking as though she was inviting any of them to fight her. Dwarf, man, elf; it did not matter to her. She had had enough. The hobbits were right, she hated that they were right. It was better to stay in the Shire with her own kind. Bigger people were ridiculous. 

"Come on!" Bella faced the dwarrows, "your King has commanded me dead! Are you disobeying his orders?!" She shouted towards the ranks of dwarrows. Her arms outstretched wide, inviting arrows or spears to impale her. 

"Let's die for the gold you so jealously covet." Bella's sultry purr invited them to find the idea equally alluring. 

By now, all three armies were rethinking their position on the gold. If everyone that went into the mountain went mad, because let's face it, Bella seemed fucking crazy, what use would the treasure hold. 

Bard thought of how little provisions the company left Lake Town with them. They must be running out of food soon and that did not seem to affect Thorin's decision. Was he so gold mad that he would be parted with any of it even as he and his company starved to death? 

They really hadn't thought about it, thinking, he's a dwarf, they're greedy. But no King, no person, hoards their treasure and starves to death. Bard remembered how protectively Thorin treated Bella when he first came upon them by the lake shore. He was not allowed near her without a dwarf between them. He was sure that she was the future Queen Under the Mountain. It was why he was willing to make a treaty with her, why he wanted to trade the arkenstone for only reparations for his people to survive. He hoped to continue to trade with Erebor so the Dale of old could be rebuilt. 

Thranduil thought about how Orcs were once elves that had been twisted and corrupted by the taint of evil. His greenwood had already been renamed by man to mirkwood because of the darkness. He did not want to poison any more of his kingdom. Perhaps those jewels had done enough damage. His people should be above such actions. They should go, none of his elves should die here today for gems and his pride. 

Dain just kept thinking, that he should have stayed home for this call to aid too. He knew Erebor was too good to be true. Dain wondered if they tossed the dragon sick gold and then mined for new gold if that will be tainted too. No, that's probably the dragon sickness trying to get him to come into the mountain. Best to just head home. Thorin will just starve to death in the mountain and then he didn't have to be Kingslayer.


End file.
